I had a rough night last night, but the results were well worth the lack of sleep. Read on.
I think I said in the post about my purif that I was far from being the most popular kid in my class. At 16 (when my parents divorced and my family moved away) I was still around 5’2″ and perhaps 100#. I was insecure, rebelious, a loner – oh, and let’s not forget that I had spent about 8-10 years making a total fool of myself over a female classmate. Just one.
She was the only member of my class who was smaller than me, and she was beautiful even as a 2nd grader (in my opinion, anyway). When we reached junior high school, she became one of our cheerleaders, and was always either Captain or #2 of the squad. She also never gave me the time of day. I was an annoyance, a pest. If she could have sprayed me with DDT, I think she would have. And I didn’t care.
Now, I’ve had several intimate relationships since I left Lebo. Each was always very dear and special to me, but last night I realized why they all (up to this one I’m in now) ultimately failed.
I had never given up on that first girl who never said a kind word to me.
So, about last night. It started with a dream. Now, I know that LRH doesn’t speak very highly of dreams, but please hold onto your hat and read through this. In the dream, I’m in the locker room back in Lebo, showering alone. I’m tired and sore, like I’ve had a tough workout. I’m also my current (real time) age of 41.
In walks this old flame, wearing exactly what you’d expect her to wear in her home shower. She’s looking pretty good for 42 and being a mom of teenagers, too. Somehow, though, this didn’t turn into an erotic dream. Instead, I’m standing there in a half panic thinking to myself – “Barbara would shoot me if she could see this.” That was when I woke up, still feeling the typical symptoms of a panic. Barbara is my current wife.
LRH once described a dream as the resting mind’s efforts to solve a current problem. So, I had to spend some time trying to figure out what problem that dream was trying to solve.
About a month ago, Barbara and I took a trip back to Lebo, and this old flame was one of two of my old class mates that I talked with while I was there. For the first time that I can remember, she seemed genuinely glad to see me.
So, after waking from that dream, I had to sort out how I felt. It came down to this – I had finally let go of that hope that I would find a way to get the old flame to want me. More importantly, I didn’t want her anymore, because my current marriage means more to me than the childhood fantasy did.
After reaching that cognition, I realized something else. Why she was so friendly. 20+ years ago, I had her on a pedestal, and she was a cheerleader. Now she is a housewife with teenage kids. A soccer mom. Seeing me, I think, brought back for a moment, the memory of how if felt to her to be on that pedestal. Oh, she’s still shorter than me, too, but now between 4-6 inches shorter. And I probably weigh twice what she does.
Well, that is my story for today.