Unworthy . . . ?

Some of you may remember that I wrote about some things like Jed McKenna’s book on spiritual enlightenment and Alberto Villoldo’s book on soul retrieval. Well, I’ve been struggling to do anything with either one, and it’s way past frustrating. I kept telling myself that there weren’t enough specifics in McKenna’s book about how to do it, and I just don’t have anywhere in my home that is suitable for doing the journeying Villoldo writes about.

But, I also started a so-called transformation course – also dealing with spiritual growth. The course is self-paced and internet based, so I thought this might give me a kick in the right direction, at least.

At the end of lesson 3 there was an exercise. Part of the exercise was to make a list of all the people and groups that you feel judgmental about.

The big winner on my list? ME.

Oh, I know – someone is going to say something like, “But we’re all our own worst critics!” That may be true, but this goes way over the line.

I don’t even know for sure when it started, but perhaps had some roots in my struggle to avoid being a punching-bag when I was growing up. You have no idea how damaging to your self-esteem it is to be both the smartest kid in your class and the smallest/weakest. It was always an internal fight with myself over the question, “What is wrong with me?” In a small town like Lebo, there weren’t many peers to draw friends from, and none were my friend for very long. I didn’t fit in.

Then I had the bone tumor terminate my Army career at the age of 19. Then, at the still wet-behind-the-ears age of 30, I had my first wife file for divorce. Add to that the fact that, ever since my discharge from the Army, I have never earned more than $10,000 US in one calendar year. Oh, and my wife and I seem to have the absolute worst luck with lotto tickets – we almost never win anything, and have never won more than $7 when we do win.

So, who do I sit in judgment on? Myself. I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel like I deserve the wife who makes me so happy when she’s near. I don’t deserve our cats, who never judge me or withhold affection from me. I don’t deserve a government job that starts out making twice the highest pay I’ve ever had. I don’t deserve a house where clothes closets weren’t an after-thought years after it was built. I don’t deserve a reliable car that’s also fun to drive.

I don’t deserve. I’m not worthy.

That is what I found hiding under all the braggadocio and swagger. It doesn’t seem to help for me to remind myself of the help I am to others, my talent for finding information other people need, how many internet friends I have (and just why is it that almost all of my friends have never actually met me?) or how many people congratulated me on doing all the right things to try to help my daughter. None of that matters, because inside I know I’m just old crap. It’s a feeling I can’t talk myself out of.

I think it’s also why I’ve been having trouble doing anything beyond reading those two books I wrote about in the first paragraph above. I just don’t deserve to become enlightened. No matter how much I want it. It’s like wanting a $2.5 Million USD home – keep on wanting, because it sure ain’t going to happen.

I don’t know what to do about this, either. Please, don’t tell me that I’m depressed and need to see a shrink – I wouldn’t go to a psychiatrist or any other “mental health practitioner” if I had an iron-clad guarantee from GOD ALMIGHTY that one visit between me and one of them would bring about eternal world-peace. I don’t trust them. It’s sort of a professional rivalry thing – remember my first (and only) Dianetics failure?

I don’t really know what any of you can do about this. I guess that, to a degree, it just feels a little better getting it out in the open where I can look at it. I’ve written this pretty much stream-of-consciousness, so I am sure it’s a bit messy. So be it. Right now it’s alright to be messy – I need to see this for what it is so I can know what I’m dealing with. But, still I thank you for caring enough to read this self-flagellation.


6 thoughts on “Unworthy . . . ?

  1. Honestly, this reads like stuff that I wrote several years ago, around the time of my divorce.

    First, a realization like this can be a vital breakthrough. It’s important to realize and acknowledge what’s been going on; until you know it’s there… well, it’s insidious.

    In my opinion/experience, for me to say, “You are deserving,” is a harmonic of sympathy… and that’s not helpful. Everyone is deserving.

    I’ll have to review what I did to overcome that thinking — it wasn’t just one thing — and see if I can articulate what worked. I’m not sure that I can.

    Probably the single most important thing: I applied Lower Conditions, and did them in depth, including (and perhaps especially) Expanded Confusion. I used the UCP chart for insights into what behaviors go with each condition… though some of his stuff is a little funky. I tend to select what indicates to me and ignore the rest of it.

    I’m not an EO, so I can’t tell you what to apply. That said, the tech works, and there’s going to be something there that does apply.

    Other things work and can enhance what you do with the basics, but I keep going back to the tech for the bedrock stuff.

    I hope this helps. For me, it was a slow process (that I’m still working on), but applying the Conditions was probably the biggest help.

  2. Here’s a different perspective: none of us is deserving (of good things)…not really, BUT that’s where grace comes in.

    grace = undeserved favour. serendipities. it’s enough to just be glad, enjoy, be thankful…and share whenever possible.

  3. That view may work for you, but I’m not a Christian and fully reject it.

    Christianity = been there, done that, it didn’t work

    insanity = continuing to do something that never worked and expecting a different result

  4. Hmm… I see nothing preventing people from recognizing grace as a universal concept that works in any spiritual context.

    Whether it’s serendipity, a windfall (aka affluence), or something that’s best described in a particular religious and/or cultural context, for me it’s anything that makes me stop and say (with slight surprise), “Cooooool!”

    That’s not exclusive to any religious or spiritual context.

    For me, it’s also about appreciating what you have, applying every definition of “appreciation.” This means not only being grateful for whatever-it-is (and where you think it came from), but also maintaining and enhancing what you have.

    Frankly, your reply to that comment looked fairly harsh in text. Read one way, it could sound like you’re stopping the other person’s communications and attempts to offer help.

    That is, of course, your option; it is your LJ.

    But, you may want to take a look at some of this from a more inclusive viewpoint. Or not.

    A lot of my studies during the past ten years have been about finding the common ground shared by all spiritual beliefs and practices. Those are the constants that can make life richer and more meaningful.

    I happen to love the basic, non-denominational concept of grace. For me, it’s about connecting with the innate goodness (and perhaps godliness) within each of us, and allowing it to flourish and multiply.

    I think that everyone can do this by flowing admiration and appreciation to it, and to its source, regardless of how an individual’s spirituality defines that source.

    But, hey, that’s just my two cents.

  5. I’ll have to spend some time thinking about what you wrote here. It may be valid.

    In fairness, I do have a knee-jerk reaction to anything associated with my Christian roots. None in my family is happy about me walking away from the faith (you’d never believe how many times I’ve heard “train up a child . . . “) after being raised as a christian and living 30+ years as one. So, I get defensive when the subject comes up, and certain words (faith, grace, redemption) seem to automatically make me feel that I’m being preached to.

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