Some of you may remember that I wrote about some things like Jed McKenna’s book on spiritual enlightenment and Alberto Villoldo’s book on soul retrieval. Well, I’ve been struggling to do anything with either one, and it’s way past frustrating. I kept telling myself that there weren’t enough specifics in McKenna’s book about how to do it, and I just don’t have anywhere in my home that is suitable for doing the journeying Villoldo writes about.
But, I also started a so-called transformation course – also dealing with spiritual growth. The course is self-paced and internet based, so I thought this might give me a kick in the right direction, at least.
At the end of lesson 3 there was an exercise. Part of the exercise was to make a list of all the people and groups that you feel judgmental about.
The big winner on my list? ME.
Oh, I know – someone is going to say something like, “But we’re all our own worst critics!” That may be true, but this goes way over the line.
I don’t even know for sure when it started, but perhaps had some roots in my struggle to avoid being a punching-bag when I was growing up. You have no idea how damaging to your self-esteem it is to be both the smartest kid in your class and the smallest/weakest. It was always an internal fight with myself over the question, “What is wrong with me?” In a small town like Lebo, there weren’t many peers to draw friends from, and none were my friend for very long. I didn’t fit in.
Then I had the bone tumor terminate my Army career at the age of 19. Then, at the still wet-behind-the-ears age of 30, I had my first wife file for divorce. Add to that the fact that, ever since my discharge from the Army, I have never earned more than $10,000 US in one calendar year. Oh, and my wife and I seem to have the absolute worst luck with lotto tickets – we almost never win anything, and have never won more than $7 when we do win.
So, who do I sit in judgment on? Myself. I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel like I deserve the wife who makes me so happy when she’s near. I don’t deserve our cats, who never judge me or withhold affection from me. I don’t deserve a government job that starts out making twice the highest pay I’ve ever had. I don’t deserve a house where clothes closets weren’t an after-thought years after it was built. I don’t deserve a reliable car that’s also fun to drive.
I don’t deserve. I’m not worthy.
That is what I found hiding under all the braggadocio and swagger. It doesn’t seem to help for me to remind myself of the help I am to others, my talent for finding information other people need, how many internet friends I have (and just why is it that almost all of my friends have never actually met me?) or how many people congratulated me on doing all the right things to try to help my daughter. None of that matters, because inside I know I’m just old crap. It’s a feeling I can’t talk myself out of.
I think it’s also why I’ve been having trouble doing anything beyond reading those two books I wrote about in the first paragraph above. I just don’t deserve to become enlightened. No matter how much I want it. It’s like wanting a $2.5 Million USD home – keep on wanting, because it sure ain’t going to happen.
I don’t know what to do about this, either. Please, don’t tell me that I’m depressed and need to see a shrink – I wouldn’t go to a psychiatrist or any other “mental health practitioner” if I had an iron-clad guarantee from GOD ALMIGHTY that one visit between me and one of them would bring about eternal world-peace. I don’t trust them. It’s sort of a professional rivalry thing – remember my first (and only) Dianetics failure?
I don’t really know what any of you can do about this. I guess that, to a degree, it just feels a little better getting it out in the open where I can look at it. I’ve written this pretty much stream-of-consciousness, so I am sure it’s a bit messy. So be it. Right now it’s alright to be messy – I need to see this for what it is so I can know what I’m dealing with. But, still I thank you for caring enough to read this self-flagellation.