I had a bad night, the night before last. I was smelling things that aren’t in the house, and also hearing strange sounds. Anyone who gets migraines should know what that means.
So, right after eating supper with my wife, I went to bed, for the night, I hoped. Instead, after only 3 hours, I was back up, with my head hurting and my left shoulder adding an original counterpoint to the beat. I got a glass of whiskey, and watched Divergent with my wife (we’d gotten it on DVD from Netflix). As I prepared to make another run at my pillow, I had an interesting thought.
Mind you, I do have a nice home, and a beautiful wife who loves me. We have 2 grand lap warmers all year long – complete with vibration and sound effects! All things considered, I have it pretty good, and I know it.
Which is why this personal epiphany is a bit of a milestone. I realized that, as much as I appreciate this life – I don’t feel that I deserve it. I never have. Do you know that old success coaching aphorism about “Fake it until you make it” ? Well, I’ve been faking it for 50 years, and I made it, but I’m still faking. So, what is the trade-off then? I compensate for my feeling unworthy by allowing my body to be disfunctional. The arthritis, the slowly creeping in cataracts, the intermittent cardiac arrhythmia (aka – intermittent irregular heart beat) – it’s all allowed to keep me from having more success.
I feel like there is something in my back-story that is so horrendous that society would ostracize me the minute it became known. Something like blowing up Hiroshima to kill a termite. Because I accept a form of reincarnation as not only plausible, but most likely, it is easy to see how I could have done this and nobody know it was me. It’s simple – I’m using a different avatar now! I don’t know where this is leading, but it looks like I’m on a very interesting journey.