Personal epiphanies . . .

I had a bad night, the night before last.  I was smelling things that aren’t in the house, and also hearing strange sounds.  Anyone who gets migraines should know what that means.

So, right after eating supper with my wife, I went to bed, for the night, I hoped.  Instead, after only 3 hours, I was back up, with my head hurting and my left shoulder adding an original counterpoint to the beat.  I got a glass of whiskey, and watched Divergent with my wife (we’d gotten it on DVD from Netflix).  As I prepared to make another run at my pillow, I had an interesting thought.

Mind you, I do have a nice home, and a beautiful wife who loves me.  We have 2 grand lap warmers all year long – complete with vibration and sound effects!  All things considered, I have it pretty good, and I know it.

Which is why this personal epiphany is a bit of a milestone.  I realized that, as much as I appreciate this life – I don’t feel that I deserve it.  I never have.  Do you know that old success coaching aphorism about “Fake it until you make it” ?  Well, I’ve been faking it for 50 years, and I made it, but I’m still faking.  So, what is the trade-off then?  I compensate for my feeling unworthy by allowing my body to be disfunctional.  The arthritis, the slowly creeping in cataracts, the intermittent cardiac arrhythmia (aka – intermittent irregular heart beat) – it’s all allowed to keep me from having more success.

I feel like there is something in my back-story that is so horrendous that society would ostracize me the minute it became known.  Something like blowing up Hiroshima to kill a termite.  Because I accept a form of reincarnation as not only plausible, but most likely, it is easy to see how I could have done this and nobody know it was me.  It’s simple – I’m using a different avatar now!  I don’t know where this is leading, but it looks like I’m on a very interesting journey.

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6 thoughts on “Personal epiphanies . . .

  1. Alex Jones says:

    The feeling you don’t deserve a blessing usually comes from an authority figure in your past life that has had you believe that idea. It is worth slaying such shadowy dragons. You deserve what you work for.

    • I guess you were in such a hurry to make your point that you didn’t read enough of my blog to understand that I accept a version of reincarnation as the most likely explanation of our spiritual lives. Not only are we not limited to one lifetime, but it is possible to still feel guilty for something I did over 300 years – or even 300 lifetimes – ago.

      • Alex Jones says:

        Whilst I support reincarnation, this view you are being punished for something you did in past lives is not supported by logic or evidence from the children with past life memories.

      • I did not say I’m being punished, at least not by someone else. I said I don’t feel like I deserve the wonderful life that I have. That is only a self-punishment, at most.

      • Alex Jones says:

        It is a risky attitude to take as anything you feel tends to reflect back at you by the “universe”, then you lose that which you feel you don’t deserve to have.

      • Quite right – which is why I try to be thankful for everything even with the other feelings. I do know what you mean about the memories of children with past-life memories – I was (and still am) one of them. I have distinct memories of parts of several previous “avatars”.

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